(WARNING: lengthy rambling rant)

My fellow Americans, as I have stated in the past, I do not wish to use my weblog as a venue to whinge about my condition, but this will be an exception. I feel I owe quite a cross-section of the population with whom I interact an explanation regarding my lack of participation. The blog does have the asset of crossing all my social networking boundaries.

Some of you have been exceedingly kind enough to inquire why my social activity has been limited recently. Others have asked for my assistance with various efforts and I have either failed to aid r declined. This update if my attempt to explain.

The problem, as it has been want to do over the last decade, goes back to my health. A few months ago I began to experience some negative changes in my mobility. My joints are stiffer, my muscles are lacking coordination and strength which, all together, is making walking difficult and painful. I am very intolerant of exercise, with muscle fatigue makes the problem worse.

Since my serious illness I have been left with a chronic pain condition. Medications in dosages that allow me to function normally have been entirely ineffective in dealing with it. Without pharmacology, my strategy to cope mostly involves an active meditation. I  objectify and visualize pain, redirect my focus to something else. Obviously, this requires effort and I cannot do it for extended periods. It requires enough concentration that my mental agility is reduced. For example, when I am up and about it is much more difficult for me to do arithmetic in my head or recall complex instructions. That aside, the technique has allowed me to function quite highly for several years.

Unfortunately, some variable in the equation has changed. I find that my ability to function despite pain is greatly diminished. Since the sensation of pain is entirely subjective (there is no real Pain-o-Meter) I cannot state for a fact that my pain is worse. It may just seem worse. Perhaps my ability to deal with it is compromised. That being said, I think it is worse. The qualities of my pain have changed as well.

On a good day, I experience a sensation like a vibration or electric hum in my extremities and large muscle masses like my quadriceps. On bad days, this becomes a sensation like crawling, biting ants. These same muscle masses are in a constant state of spasm. Always annoying, the spams can become quite severe and painful, often peaking in a debilitating cramp. Exercise make it worse. Again, this makes walking difficult and painful. Antispasmodic drugs are very effective in controlling this situation, but when they write on the bottle “DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY” they really mean it.  This is yet another reason I have to accept losing my ability to participate in society.

Moving right along, you may recall my recent scare with episodes of frighteningly high blood pressure. My doctors got a good grasp on that by finding and treating the underlying condition. All was progressing well until another variable in the equation changed. i began experiencing episodes of dangerously low blood pressure. So, the changed my medications around  …and everything went straight to Hell. Now, a few weeks later, that seems to again be under control, but it was a scary few weeks.

Poor Claire has to watch all this and, though she makes every reasonable effort, there is really nothing she can do. The same goes for all of you, my friends. It is not just empty words when I say I wish I could think of something you could do to help. I really cannot. On a really bad day being out and trying to socialize is sort of like staying awake for three day then going to an amusement park while carrying a tray of crystal champagne flutes.

So, in closing, don’t give up o me. If I’ve promised to help you with something but been flaky about it or if you’ve offered to amuse me and I’ve declined, please don’t take it personally. Claire and I are pursuing some new ideas with regard to a better long-term solution for me. Maybe 2011 will be the year this turns around.

All my best to you!